From the depths of my heart,

    Football sucks. I'm waiting for my mom to be done with the dishes so I can take a bath. I haven't seen Devin this whole weekend so it's been like a week now. I'm upset that she stood at whatever her name is house and then stayed there again. We only get to see eachother once or twice a week and so I thought that she would at least make a day for me. I'm so lost right now... I needed my best friend and she wasn't there. :[ Ever since Josh told Michelle what he did, I feel like I don't know who I am or what I'm doing. I had this dream last night that I met the love of my life, through someone who was trying to hook me up with someone else. All I can remember was that he kissed me and I actually felt my heart fill up and tingle. In my dream I felt that. He was my first real boyfriend and every time we kissed in that dream the same feeling of love and the tingle through my body came back. I don't even know who he was, It was a complete stranger. I remember he had a pointy nose and spiked hair. ha ha. He was cuter then what I think now though. He was perfect. Then I woke up. I almost didn't want to. That feeling was so amazing I didn't want to lose it. I think I want to be in love desperately but I can't stand the fact that it never works out for me. I want to find someone that when I kiss them, I get that feeling and I'll know it's right because that recollection of the dream's perfect kiss. It's like Dane Cook says, "you always wake up from a dream when it's reallly good. Never a nightmare. Your leg will be twitching... WAKE UP, WAKE UP! but nothin. I'll be like making out with Cindy Crawford on the beach and wake up and no matter how hard I try to go back to sleep, I can't" somethin like that. Ha ha. So I found out someone bought our old house. :[ Makes me sad but I won't have to invision it cold and grey and blue. Now I can invision it warm and red and yellow. When I think of abandoned houses I think of greys and blues, sad and cold. But when new families move into them, I guess it does make me happy, with a feeling of warm, reds and yellows. I love it. Maybe I should paint my room Orange or something. Since they make the room warmer. I just want to get a job, my permit, work out, go shopping, Fix my room and do good in school. I'm going to do them all, I have to promise myself I will. I have to be strong if I'm going to. I'm gonna go take a bath now. Peace, and thanks for reading this whoever took the time to care. 

Current Location: "Home"
Current Music: everyone loves raymond... such beautiful music. ha ha.

    So today I stayed home from school. Yes, I feel guilty. But it wasn't my intention. I can't sleep at night so when I do fall asleep it's like, I dunno, 2am? So i get 4 and a half hours of sleep. And on top of that, I just found out that everything I've ever hoped on, came crashing down. My day was fine minus the cold and the bitching from my mother. What elseee isss new? But later on got a bit more excitin'. I talked to this girl Natalie from my biology class. then devin. Then joe peccararraro. as soon as he said he didn't have a girlfriend, memories started racing through me again. all of that  good shit you really don't want to remember because you know then you're going to care about that person AGAIN. I really liked Joe but I guess I wasn't right for him :[ SHIT. no bad bad bad. DON'T THINK about boys. THEY SCREW YOU OVER! That's basically what I'm thinking. He didn't treat me the way someone who cares about you does. I mean, spring break it was fine but I was never a girl you'd exactly see her name all over myspace, aim, or even notebooks. Just my luck I guess. Josh is an asshole and yet another guy screws me over. I waited four months for him. FOUR fucking months. I had better times with him than any other guy. I actually thought I loved him. What is it about me that makes guys think they can just walk all over me? Maybe I'm too sweet or just show how I feel too much. My expectations are high, but only emotional wise. Is that expectation one that will never be met? I can't believe I wasted almost a year of my life on something that wasn't anything. It doesn't even make sense. NOTHINGGG DOES. wtf. The main thing that was on my mind was always josh. It's not obsessive it's just caring. Because that's what I do. It's who I am. Unfortunately I care about people I shouldn't care about. People I shouldn't even look twice at. But I do. I always do because I always hope that this one person will be different. And if they are assholes, I hope that there's a part of them that does care and that just had a rough life. I open my heart up, for it to be stuffed with pain,  kinda like a teddy bear, but not as pleasant to look at. Unfortunately I see it every day in the mirror.

Current Location: "Home"
Current Mood: Deformed.
Current Music: The Starting Line

Current Mood: okay

"And the soles of your shoes are all worn down, The time for sleep is now

It's nothing to cry about Cause we'll hold each other soon"

Where do I start? Who will read this? I'm hating my school right now, a lot. It's so big and confusing. I hate it there. If I still had my friends then at least I'd be okay. But nope. It's like cutting off your circulation. Because without them I'm stressed out and upset. I hate that my parents took me away from my home and put me here in this "home." I know it's not fully their fault but watching the only thing I care about the most slowly get further away as the school year goes on, I get surges of hate. I hate looking in the mirror now. I keep getting bigger and I want to stop but It's hard to lose weight with no money and with meals you just have to "eat because that's the dinner." I feel like theres always something blocking me and maybe it's just the past I can't let go or maybe it's the anger towards my family and myself? I have a lot of anger for myself. Sometimes I just hate myself. Sometimes I want to quit, sometimes I want to lay down and just give up. I constantly wonder how people get the people they get. Constantly thinking, what's wrong with ME? I don't like this life right now. I keep trying to motivate myself but it's only my friends who make me sane and myself. Does that make sense? I'm myself when I'm with my friends?  It's like they keep me alive. Keep me going. Without them I'd have nothing. Now it seems I've lost it all. Maybe not it all but what made me happy to live where I was, the happy side of Kenmore. I'm on the edge of a breakdown. I want to sing, I love writing my lyrics but I would love even more to sing them. I dunno. More later? I feel like I should be doing something else... Like an energy's pulling me to get off the computer. strange? Yeah I know. I guess it's just who I am.

Current Location: "Home"
Current Mood: sick
Current Music: Death Cab for Cutie